User blog:Chubbyman2/RE: Feelings and Such

To be honest, I find my posting this to be slightly untimely, but then again, there is a reason why I don't often use that word. Feelings are strange, aren't they? Feelings and thoughts make a person whole. They allow a person to truly feel alive and believe in the illusion that is reality and life. It's lovely, yes. The feelings that are most precious, however, are those that cannot be described by words, as they are the ones that cannot be recorded or communicated, unless both parties have felt the feeling before, in which case, a connection between the two ought to occur. The feelings that arbitrarily occur when you look back on a certain instance in the past, or picture a setting that is distant from the cold harsh reality that people face each day. For me, they occur most often when I look back at dreams, perhaps because none of my senses are engaged while I am dreaming, allowing the brain to truly perceive connotatively without having any denotative interruptions.

This afternoon, some hooligan at my school decided to pull the fire alarm, and while I was working, no less. To be honest, I was slightly agitated, but I obviously didn't let it show, for there was no reason to. I stood outside, looking for an eddy within the crowd of students to avoid the wind currents and keep myself relatively warm. I snickered to myself as I looked at some of the other students, shivering and hopping in place as they stood at the edge of the crowd. My friend then came up to me (let's call her Christina) and told me that I looked dead. I didn't give her a reply, and she simply hopped back to her clique, hands grasping her arms as she shivered.

That was slightly more narrative than I meant for it to be, but you get the picture. Dead? Me? Maybe. When I had lunch soon after, I wandered into the cafeteria and sat at the far end, near the windows. Some other girls apparently followed suit and sat near the same area (I didn't know who they were, but they were loud). Luckily, I didn't hear them, as I had my earbuds in while I was watching Kuzu no Honkai (Scum's Wish). Apparently, the section of the cafeteria was reserved only for middle schoolers, and a supervisor came to tell the girls to leave. I ignored her, hoping she'd just leave, but nevertheless anticipating the inevitable. She came over and told me to leave, to which I replied "But there's no one sitting here." I wasn't paying much attention to her actions, but she allowed me to stay there in the end, saying "Well, it's fine. You're just doing schoolwork anyways.", even though she could clearly see I was eating lunch and watching anime on my IPad. As after any curious situation, I started thinking. Did she pity me because of my appearance? As a lonely school boy sitting in solitude by the windows? Or did she actually just not care that much and left me be due to the reasonable point I raised?

To clarify some key points: 1. I have friends. 2. I choose to be alone, not to seem cool or anything, but because I am an introvert, by nature. Finally, 3. I have been sitting at that spot for months now, and I've seen that teacher pass by me multiple times before. So what's the deal?

I understand that this whole incident does not have much to do with feelings, but I really don't know if I feel dead or not. When I read fiction and watch anime, I definitely feel many emotions; I have many feelings. That's why I like anime. Not because I like self-insertions or because my friends like it, but because of the feelings I get when I watch it. They say people forget about what others do, think, and say, but they never forget how someone else made them feel, and that is undoubtedly true. This is one reason why Black Bullet is my favourite anime; because I watched it early on in my "anime career", and the feelings of nostalgia and fun I feel every time I look back cannot be replaced by any other anime.

Do I feel dead in my current life? Slightly. School feels like a brainwashing facility (no, duh, cuz it is!), and I am living my life in a way that I never want to in the future. However, if I have to work hard to get to a future where I can truly experience a range of feelings and live what I can actually call a life, then any suffering now is worth it. Plus, my life isn't too bad. It's not insufferable, and it certainly isn't what it was last year. Maybe I'll talk about my freshman year of high school sometime in the future, but for now, I think this is enough. Until next time.

-Charles, Apr 3, 2018